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         Is your relationship / marriage being destroyed by toxic communication patterns? I coach my clients to recognize this cycle and find alternatives to create a space to have safe, calm and loving communication to resolve relationship / marriage issues and problems.

         Many of us focus on the woulda, coulda and shoulda? of the past and worry with anxiety about what might happen in the future. By allowing our minds to wonder on what could have been and speculating about what might be, we unfortunately create the conditions that form expectations, usually unrealistic expectations about how we want our needs and wants to be satisfied. If the needs and wants are not communicated properly to our partner it can set us up for disappointment and become a relationship killer.

         Unfortunately, most of us have grown accustomed to think of ourselves and expect immediate gratification for these expectations. When things don? go our way and we don? get what we want or need, we are immediately disappointed and air is released from our balloon. Many times we expect our partner to be able to read our mind, know what we need and want, and know how we want those needs and wants satisfied. This creates a situation where the other partner has little chance of fulfilling those expectations and is as we say, up da creek without a paddle.

         These unfulfilled expectations can create the environment for emotional triggers to be pushed. These are hot buttons, issues and problems that arise during the course of a relationship. Underlying the triggers are the fears the partner has engrained into their psyche during the course of their lives. These are fears of security, abandonment, love, intimacy, control, growing up, acceptance, the truth etc. These fears generally originate from unresolved emotional wounds that were inflicted during the years between birth and 18 years old, mostly related to parental actions but also caused by other authority figures, siblings and peers.

         Many times triggers are activated when certain expectations, needs and wants are not satisfied leading to disappointment. I like to think of this scenario as a two-layer cake. The top layer is the actual issue or expectation, what really is happening in the moment. The bottom layer is the unhealed emotional wound from their past. The fears are sensitized to be triggers when it is emotionally associated with painful memories and taps into the negative energy of the unhealed wound.

         The intensity of the reactions caused by these triggers is directly related to the severity of the wound. These reactions range from mild to extreme and will determine how deep into the cycle the couple will go. The mild form is your everyday garden variety upset. This is the type most typically displayed and is usually associated with Stage 1 or 2. The moderate form is more intense and can lead to a temperate form of the cycle but it can progress to the latter stages if the partners do not seek help and work together as a team. The extreme form is the worst case scenario and usually progresses to Stage 4 of the cycle. This is where rage, abuse and severe damage to the relationship become prevalent.

         To help explain the cycle, I call the person with the emotional wounds and who has the issue, the Sender because they are projecting their pain onto their partner. The other partner is called the Receiver because they are the one who absorbs the brunt of those projections.

         In Part 2 of the Cycle of Conflict, I will explain Stage 1 of the cycle. This is the mildest form because the trigger is never pulled and the bullet does not damage the relationship space. I will detail the steps that both the Sender and the Receiver need to take for the couple not to progress into Stage 2.

         Glenn Cohen
?I-TO-WE?Relationship Coaching?/ www.i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com

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